Emissions

Today I did the equivalent of rolling down my car window and tossing into the wind a twenty, a fiver, two ones, and 3 quarters. Yep, I gave the state of Arizona $27.75 to tell me my 2000 Honda Passport passed its emissions test. Now I'm not so insulated I don't realize many states require vehicles to be inspected and pass emissions every year, but the thing that annoys me is that this was totally random. Arizona doesn't require vehicles, especially newer ones, to pass emissions each year, and in the nine and a half years I've lived here, I've only taken one car to be inspected once. The car was an old dilapidated piece of shit, so I can perfectly understand why it would need to prove itself worthy to be driven on the streets of this fair city. But a five year old car? In the grand scheme of things, $27.75 isn't a lot of money, but considering the price you pay for the privilege of registering your vehicle, why should you need to pay extra for an emissions test? It should just be factored in!

Ranting aside, the actual test was quick and painless and mildly entertaining. The state has gathered together an odd band of characters to work at the location I visited today. As I pulled in I was met with four possible docks to pull my car into. I chose the one with the most people standing near it, and as I got closer a lady began directing me into the dock. I was concentrating very intently on her hand motions because I hate pulling into these sorts of places where you have to align your wheels correctly and stop them at a certain point, lest I'm unable to follow their vague and lazy hand gestures or unable to correctly eyeball the positioning and then I look like a completely inept vehicle operator. I'm not sure if I've actually failed to do this correctly once and it's scarred me for life, but every time I pull into a car wash or an oil change or a car garage, the same can-I-align-the-wheels-correctly-and-stop-in-the- correct-spot paranoia hits me.

So while I'm concentrating on this woman, a portly fellow rests his arms on my car window ledge and greets me, which scares the hell out of me. Don't know how I didn't see him coming, but I didn't. He informs me I have the option of sitting in the passenger seat or in a booth for the duration of the inspection. I chose the booth because it seems weird and cool. I get into the booth, after some confusion on how exactly to get into the booth, and another fellow comes by to point to a sign in the booth and whispers to me that it will cost $27.75 in either cash or check. The whispering really threw me for a loop- it wasn't loud, so why whisper?? I retrieved my checkbook from my bag, and I must have looked at the sign a second too long, because the hand gesture woman came by to explain the payment options again. (It's suddenly becoming clear why I had to pay the $27.75--there are too many people working at this location and they all need to be paid!) No sooner did I have the check written, than they motioned for me to come back out.

I got into my car and was told to pull it forward to the next computer. There I was met by a middle-aged middle-eastern man. I handed him my check and he asked for my driver's license. 'My what?' I asked, because he was mumbling. 'Your drivers license.' 'Oh, okay', I said, and fished it out of my wallet. He fussed around in his computer and then came back to my window, unlocked and opened my door, looked around, shut the door, and then asked for my drivers license again. 'I gave it to you', I said. 'No, I need your driver's license', he said. 'That is my driver's license', I said, puzzled. 'Oh, I know', he said chuckling, 'I was just kidding'. Haha, I fake-laughed. What sort of a joke is that?! He fussed around on the computer again and then came back with a piece of paper. 'Well', he said, 'I'm sorry to say...' (pause for dramatic effect, okay that would have been kinda funny)...(pregnant pause, which is not so funny anymore)...(he's been pausing so long that now I'm actually getting annoyed and ignoring him)...'Your car passed inspection' he said and chuckled again. This guy has got the worst sense of humor, I thought, and peeled the hell out of there. Certainly not the worst experience in the world, but definitely a waste of $27.75.

to do #246: have my car emissions tested