How To: Change Your Own Car Battery

I considered naming this post 'How to: save yourself a few bucks while at the same time taking your car out of commission for three days and causing yourself a multitude of headaches', but I figured it was a little too long for the title field, and so I settled on the above title instead. Not as dramatic, but to the point.

Early last week I was heading out to an appointment when I put my car key in the ignition and was greeted by a lovely clicking sound. The engine didn't even try to crank, all it could muster was a series of clicks. Fortunately the appointment wasn't urgent, so I canceled it and decided I wasn't going to deal with the car issue just then. I had enough on my plate for the day, and working from home meant I wouldn't need the car right away. That night I talked a friend into coming over the next day to give me a jump. It had been a while since I'd had a dead battery, but if memory served the local Costco had been much cheaper than taking it in to a shop for a new battery. So before my friend arrived I called to see if I needed an appointment, or if I could just come right over. But, apparently the Costco on this side of town didn't install batteries, they just sold them. A quick google search rendered instructions on installing a car battery, and it looked very easy! Why hadn't I ever considered installing my own battery in the past, I wondered? I'd soon find out why...

My friend arrived and we proceeded to try the jump to make sure it was a dead battery and not some other more costly problem. We attached the jumper cables and I gave my car a crank. It clicked. Damn! I tried again. It didn't even click. Double damn! Then I remembered the last time I helped a friend jump his car there seemed to be an order by which you were supposed to attach the cables; lo and behold there were directions right on the side of the jumper cable bag. Now just in case you find yourself in a dead battery situation without jumper cable directions, let me refresh your memory: it's 1- positive cable to bad battery, 2- positive cable to good battery, 3- negative cable to good battery, 4- negative cable to bad battery. With the cables properly attached I crossed my fingers and gave it a crank. My car did its best to turn, but it was having some trouble. I stopped, said a little prayer, and tried it again- it started!! Knowing I only had a dead battery was a huge relief. Now, to replace it.

My friend kindly offered to drive me to Costco to pick up a new battery. The damn thing weighed a ton, but was only $40, so I wasn't complaining too much. I cleared my afternoon schedule, copied down the basic directions from the website, grabbed some tools and donned an outfit worthy of working on a car: jeans, sneakers and a tube top. Hey, it's Arizona and I didn't want to get any of my nice tops dirty! This would prove to be a very questionable choice later...

And so the process of changing my car battery began. I was optimistic. It was a beautiful day, I was saving myself a ton of dough, and I got to get a little grease under my nails. This all changed in the first few minutes when I wasn't able to get the nuts loose on either of the screws holding the connectors to the battery. Damn! See, in theory, changing a car battery is as simple as: 1- clean the connectors of any corrosion, 2- loosen the screw holding the negative connector to the negative battery terminal, 3- loosen the screw holding the positive connector to the positive battery terminal, 4- loosen the screw to the hold-down bracket, 5- remove dead battery and replace with new battery, 6- attach screws in reverse order. And voila! The only problem was, I didn't have the right tools. I had your garden variety adjustable torque wrench, but what I really needed was a socket wrench. I just couldn't get a good grip on the nuts with the torque wrench, and even if I could I didn't have the strength to loosen the severely corroded screws. Damn! The little afternoon project was turning into a little afternoon headache. I spotted a male neighbor and asked if he had a socket wrench set. I then proceeded to explain to him what a socket wrench was. This wasn't looking good. I continued to persevere under the hood and managed to loosen the nut on the negative connector, but the positive connector wasn't budging.

Now I have to take a moment to mention that during this time several men crossed my path. These were young healthy men that, if not car savvy, were at least fit enough to be capable of loosening the nuts which were giving me trouble with relative ease. But do you think any of them offered to help? No! They were too busy staring at a woman in jeans and a tube top working under the hood of a car. That's right, not one offered their help! I can't fault men for oogling, I'm sure I've oogled a man from time to time, and I'm a modern woman who doesn't necessarily need a man to rescue her, but who are these men that don't know what a socket wrench is and don't offer to help a woman with car trouble?! Their mothers would be ashamed!

But back to the nut that wouldn't budge...I sprayed it with WD-40, I brushed off the corrosion as best I could (resulting in little bits of battery acid flying onto my bare arms) but that nut wasn't going anywhere. I finally went in search of one of the maintenance crew at my apartment complex to see if they had a socket wrench set. Of course they didn't. One of the guys happened to have a socket wrench in his car and gave it to me, but the only socket he had with him was too big. He offered to come back the next day with the rest of the socket set and help me. My one and only offer of help, and what do you know, he never showed up!

By this time I'd been working a while and was way too frustrated to continue, so I decided to call it a day and hit my friends up for socket wrench sets that night. I ended up with a set and a back up set just in case the other didn't come through. A male friend dropped off the set in the late morning and didn't even offer his help. Is this an epidemic?! Granted, he had other things to do that day, but a half-hearted offer would have sufficed. Are men intimidated by women who seem to know what they're doing under the hood (and let me remind you I had no clue what I was doing until I googled for instructions!), that they simply stay out of her way and stand back gawking instead? I realized if I wanted to make a small fortune I should gather a few of my girlfriends and open an all woman mechanic auto-garage. But, that's an idea for another day.

The socket wrenches turned out to be a dud. The set was too cheap to include a spacer and the screw was too long for the socket to reach the nut. I was beyond frustrated at this point and started to wonder why the hell I hadn't just called AAA as everyone I talked to about my battery trouble had suggested. I decided to give the nut one last go, and it gave! I had somehow mustered the strength to loosen it. After that, the removal and installation was easy. I tightened all the nuts and tried cranking the engine, and it turned!! In that moment I felt so much pride. Although it had taken three days and seemingly endless obstacles, I had managed to install my own car battery completely by myself. I'm not sure how much money I saved, or whether it was even worth it, but at least I can now say I've done it, which is apparently saying more than most of the men I know.

to do #274: change my car battery (without help!) (or proper tools!!)

Emissions

Today I did the equivalent of rolling down my car window and tossing into the wind a twenty, a fiver, two ones, and 3 quarters. Yep, I gave the state of Arizona $27.75 to tell me my 2000 Honda Passport passed its emissions test. Now I'm not so insulated I don't realize many states require vehicles to be inspected and pass emissions every year, but the thing that annoys me is that this was totally random. Arizona doesn't require vehicles, especially newer ones, to pass emissions each year, and in the nine and a half years I've lived here, I've only taken one car to be inspected once. The car was an old dilapidated piece of shit, so I can perfectly understand why it would need to prove itself worthy to be driven on the streets of this fair city. But a five year old car? In the grand scheme of things, $27.75 isn't a lot of money, but considering the price you pay for the privilege of registering your vehicle, why should you need to pay extra for an emissions test? It should just be factored in!

Ranting aside, the actual test was quick and painless and mildly entertaining. The state has gathered together an odd band of characters to work at the location I visited today. As I pulled in I was met with four possible docks to pull my car into. I chose the one with the most people standing near it, and as I got closer a lady began directing me into the dock. I was concentrating very intently on her hand motions because I hate pulling into these sorts of places where you have to align your wheels correctly and stop them at a certain point, lest I'm unable to follow their vague and lazy hand gestures or unable to correctly eyeball the positioning and then I look like a completely inept vehicle operator. I'm not sure if I've actually failed to do this correctly once and it's scarred me for life, but every time I pull into a car wash or an oil change or a car garage, the same can-I-align-the-wheels-correctly-and-stop-in-the- correct-spot paranoia hits me.

So while I'm concentrating on this woman, a portly fellow rests his arms on my car window ledge and greets me, which scares the hell out of me. Don't know how I didn't see him coming, but I didn't. He informs me I have the option of sitting in the passenger seat or in a booth for the duration of the inspection. I chose the booth because it seems weird and cool. I get into the booth, after some confusion on how exactly to get into the booth, and another fellow comes by to point to a sign in the booth and whispers to me that it will cost $27.75 in either cash or check. The whispering really threw me for a loop- it wasn't loud, so why whisper?? I retrieved my checkbook from my bag, and I must have looked at the sign a second too long, because the hand gesture woman came by to explain the payment options again. (It's suddenly becoming clear why I had to pay the $27.75--there are too many people working at this location and they all need to be paid!) No sooner did I have the check written, than they motioned for me to come back out.

I got into my car and was told to pull it forward to the next computer. There I was met by a middle-aged middle-eastern man. I handed him my check and he asked for my driver's license. 'My what?' I asked, because he was mumbling. 'Your drivers license.' 'Oh, okay', I said, and fished it out of my wallet. He fussed around in his computer and then came back to my window, unlocked and opened my door, looked around, shut the door, and then asked for my drivers license again. 'I gave it to you', I said. 'No, I need your driver's license', he said. 'That is my driver's license', I said, puzzled. 'Oh, I know', he said chuckling, 'I was just kidding'. Haha, I fake-laughed. What sort of a joke is that?! He fussed around on the computer again and then came back with a piece of paper. 'Well', he said, 'I'm sorry to say...' (pause for dramatic effect, okay that would have been kinda funny)...(pregnant pause, which is not so funny anymore)...(he's been pausing so long that now I'm actually getting annoyed and ignoring him)...'Your car passed inspection' he said and chuckled again. This guy has got the worst sense of humor, I thought, and peeled the hell out of there. Certainly not the worst experience in the world, but definitely a waste of $27.75.

to do #246: have my car emissions tested